Feeling Guilty About Pursuing Your Own Dreams?
Have you ever questioned whether it's okay to chase your dreams? If you're a child of migrants, chances are, you're no stranger to this feeling. You grew up hearing stories of your parents' struggles, perhaps a single mother or both parents sacrificing their well-being so you could have a shot at a better life. These stories are impossible to forget; sometimes, they're used to steer you in a direction that serves the family rather than yourself.
This dilemma is something I often hear in therapy sessions:
Why do I feel guilty for pursuing my own dreams?
Will this guilt ever fade away?
Is it okay for me to have my own dreams at all?
These are BIG questions, and You’re not ALONE in asking them.
Family Sacrifice
Our parents and families often come from generations where they weren't given much choice about their paths in life. They were told what to do, who to be, and when to be it, often under the weight of societal and/or religious pressures or even forced/traumatic migration. Leaving behind everything familiar for the chance of a safer, more stable future wasn't an easy decision, but it was necessary. They often made these sacrifices, hoping you would have the freedom and opportunities they never had- the chance to pursue ‘The American Dream’.
It's also important to understand that many parents see their children as extensions of their own lives. Parents’ dreams, fears, hopes, and expectations often get projected onto us. As children of immigrants, we can feel this responsibility deeply, wearing it like a badge of honor. Without another template to follow, many of us operate from a place of loyalty to the family, sacrificing our aspirations because we feel we owe it to our parents.
This dynamic is poignantly captured in a conversation between Miguel and Lucia in the film Our Family Wedding:
Carlos Mencia (Miguel): This is just not how I dreamt it would be.
America Rivera (Lucia): Yeah, well, it's not your dream anymore, Dad; it's mine.
Here's the thing: Sacrificing your dreams doesn't necessarily repay their sacrifices. In fact, it can create a cycle of self-denial that passes on to the next generation. So, what can you do?
Family Patterns
There is hope, but it requires change—not just in behavior but in the way we think about family duty, our individual worth, and the patterns we've been taught.
The first step is becoming aware of these patterns. Are you making decisions out of fear, guilt, or obligation? Or are they indeed your own? Once you can see the difference, you can start choosing differently.
It's essential to have honest conversations with your parents (as hard as this can be). Express your appreciation for their sacrifices and talk about your dreams. While these conversations may be uncomfortable (because we do not have them often), they can be transformative in building mutual understanding. Many movies show how conversation CAN happen (e.g., Our Family Wedding, Encanto, In the Heights, Father of the Bride, Real Women Have Curves).
Set boundaries that allow you to pursue your dreams while supporting your family in ways that feel right for you. Boundaries aren't about cutting people off; they're about advocating for your needs and prioritizing your own well-being.
Understand that guilt is typical but doesn't have to control your decisions. Give yourself permission to dream and pursue what makes you fulfilled. You can carry the legacy of your family's sacrifices and create your own path.
For example, in the movie In the Heights, Kevin Rosario, played by Jimmy Smits, says to his daughter, Nina, “Wow, this is it, mija. This is the moment you do better than me. Not because of a fancy degree—is it because you see a future that I can’t,”. This beautifully captures the moment when a parent recognizes their child’s individual path, even if it is different from what they envisioned.
Moving Forward
Feeling guilty about your dreams doesn't mean you have to give them up. Pursuing your dreams can be a way of honoring the sacrifices your family made by making the most of the opportunities they worked so hard to give you. Change isn't easy, but with awareness, communication, and self-compassion, it's possible to break the cycle of guilt and forge a life that's true to you.
You deserve to dream.
You deserve to live a life that feels like yours.
Your parents' sacrifices were meant to open doors, not close them.
Call today to schedule an appointment and start your path toward self-discovery and empowerment. Let's work together to navigate your journey, honoring and empowering you to thrive.